My Heart.

My heart hurts today. It's like a burning in my chest, an empty hole. I don't what to feel. Except for pain. I know I made the right decision, but yet I cling to that hope. That hope that things will get better, go back to normal. But I know that it never will.
I know what they mean when they say the "thin line between love and hate." I'm walking it. I love him with all of my heart, and yet I hate him for what he's done to me. How do you walk away when your heart is so firmly planted? It doesn't want to let go, or even recognize that this must end. It wants him to try, get on bended knee and beg. But even if he does, will I ever recover? I never did from the past. I thought I would. And yet years later the images still haunt my mind. Is there such thing as self induced amnesia? Let me forget him, what he's done and most of all what he means to me. I fear that will be the only way I will get through this.

The Truth

Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be popular, and friends with everyone. As I grew up, my goals changed, but still centered around my many friendships. I wasn't popular by any means, but I was, and still am, one of those people who gets along with everyone. It slowly started to dawn on me, that, while I had many acquaintances, I had very few "friends." As I continue to grow, I've kept the people-pleasing mindset, and I daresay it has crept into my writing. It is very similar to the career of an athlete. A small child plays one sport for his or her whole life. Gets recruited straight from college to the pros. But then, the game changes. He or she is no longer playing for love of the sport, but for the money, the fame, the haphazard lifestyle, etc. The original passion has been replaced by something external.
In my case, my writing had turned from writing things I wanted to say, to attempting to write the things people wanted to read. My stories are seen as excessive, my poetry seems juvenile. When the hell did I begin to judge my passions so harshly? I even look at the songs I wrote, the words that I wanted to say, as sad, or depressing. When did I begin to let the criticisms of other people change the way I act?
It begins in high school, maybe even a little earlier. Your skirt is too long, your hair is too stringy. You don't wear enough makeup, or you wear too much. At the risk of sounding like a feminist, young girls have it the worst in this department. You're too fat to wear those jeans, you're too skinny for that top. It seems near impossible to find the middle ground, where you can just be you and no one has anything to say about it. So it begins at a young age, men and women alike, that we begin to understand and accept that people will always talk. You could ignore it, confront it, or do it back. Either way, the talk will continue till you run out of time to listen to everything that is being said. So what do you do? Should you conform to their whispers and change yourself according to their complaints? After all, they can't complain if you fix the problem right? But if you do fix these things, all you're doing is confirming that whatever they say is wrong with you must be true, it confirms that you're listening. And slowly but surely, their criticisms decide who you are, how you act, what you say, how you dress, etc... Before you know it, you don't know who you are anymore.
It doesn't always have to happen like that, some people hear the criticisms and rebel from them just in spite of the said criticizers. It's a wonderful thing to witness, their jaw drops just a little more. But then you unfortunately come to the realization that whether or not you are obeying or rebelling against their observations, either way you are allowing them to dictate your actions. Again, we come to the question, what do you do?
In no way, shape, or form am I admitting that a person should take into account what people, whom they barely know, if at all, has to say about them. However, I am suggesting that these sometimes harsh words can be a good thing. How do you know the impression you give off to other people? How are you supposed to know the way in which you come off to people? Granted that one single, solitary meeting should not be the decider of a person's entire persona. That should be your duty to decide how credible a person's opinion of you is.
It's an unfortunate reality that regardless of what we do, how we respond to these people, that the talk will continue. I hate to say that I've accepted it and moved on, but I have. In light of a solution I have none. But just know that there are some things about yourself that you should keep, regardless of what other people say.