Insomniac Part 1

Sighs…
I’ve been staring at the time..
Time to rest my eyes
The red lines are getting brighter and brighter
But that damn clock
It still ticks and it tocks
And it’s four am?
God damn.
Where does the time go?
The longer I stare
The more things I see
That leave
And aren’t there
The sun hits the horizon
And suddenly I’m smiling
I made it through another night
So I’m just gonna keep on writing…

So about this clock
That won’t fucking stop
How dare it tick my time away!
I’ve got nothing left
But the red lines
That stain my eyes
And the bags that hold the teardrops
Every night I cry
But hell, the suns up!
Wipe up all those tear drops
Time to be a happy fuck
Or pretend to be
At least

This mish mash
Makes sense in my head
A place hard to find
But worth it once you do
There’s so much shit crammed in there
Impossible to decipher
What’s left, wrong and right there
But in my head is safe
From criticism
So that’s where it’ll stay
A place where I can keep it
Day after day
Until the moon pushes the sun out of the sky
And I’m left alone
While the world sleeps
Staring at the time

These nights though lonely
Do not lack production
It’s late
But still I function
Happily pen in hand
Everything is just grand
When the words are flowing
Doing alright and all-knowing
Like I haven’t a care in the world
A normal night for a normal girl
It isn’t five am
And I’m not waiting to see the light
I’m simply writing away
Through my days, through my life
Until everything goes away
And I’m left with nothing but this…
This fucking paper?
Man I’ll be pissed.

These words mean nothing to you
But see
It was a hell of an effort
To get them out of me
So appreciate them please
They were hard to write
Cause this is what I did
While you were dreaming at night

I won’t praise the moon
Anytime but when it leaves
Cause that’s when I’m happiest
Between the sun and me
And even if my sunshine
Hides behind some clouds
I’ll be more than happy
To hide away too
I’ll be good and proud

Things should be happening now
As I close my eyes
I should feel a wave of exhaustion
Instead of curiosity of the time
The soft rhythmic ticks and tocks
Keeps me fixated on that clock
Wondering, wondering, will it ever stop…
The sun hits the horizon and suddenly I’m smiling

Because I have made
Something more to leave behind…
One more little map
To the insight of my mind
But for now as you read it
I’ll tuck it way in the back
For everything comes out at night…
If you’re an insomniac

Dreamer

This is not the life she dreamed of.

Long sleeplessness nights,
Up worrying,
Will he wake up? Does he even know I'm here?
No, hes doesn't.
In fact all that exists in his world,
Is him.

He hits the bottle on a nightly basis
Anger rises in tune with his blood alcohol content
She is never the cause
But she is always the target

This is not the life she dreamed of.

Years ago, they said "I do."
In sickness and in health,
Was there a "in drunkenness and rage"
In there as well?
Their wedding day was beautiful
They lived contentedly
There is always a calm before the storm.

Bit by bit
Pieces of the man she once knew and loved
Eroded away into the empty shell
That she faced day in and day out
How could so many others want simple worldly things
When all she wanted was to hear him laugh

This is not the life she dreamed of.

Broken promises,
Failed interviews
No money, no motivation
Pushed her till the edge
How is she to cope?
This is not a man.
This is a monster.

This is not the life she dreamed of.

Week after week,
She saves what little money she makes
Pays the bills,
Then stashes some away
A trip, an escape,
Money for a new life,
She could get a new job,
A new home, become a new wife
No more empty bottles
No more bruises to hide
No more covering the blood
No more having to lie
All that keeps her going
Is thoughts of the day she'll leave
Maybe a Tuesday? Or Friday?
Either way, she'll be free.

This was not the life she dreamed of.

At last it comes
She has hundreds stored away
All in cash, absolutely
She'll leave no trail to trace
A simple kiss on the forehead
Her bags at the foot of the bed,
She leaned down to say goodbye,
And this is what she said:
"I love you my darling,
please don't doubt that I do
For I have been nothing
but good to you.
But still you hurt me,
still you leave scars,
the one's you can see,
and the one's on my heart.
So now I must go,
to try and heal my pain.
Once I get where I'm going,
for you I will pray.
When you think of me,
please see nothing but love,
For this was never the life,
I dreamed of."

He made no response
As she walked from his life
Bigger than the beatings
Stronger from the fights
He'd wake hours later,
Still drunk from a late night tour
He'd find nothing wrong,
And continue as before.


The sun beats down harshly,
On newly bronzed skin
The water so blue and inviting
Might as well dive in!
With so many possibilities
Of everything she could be
She leaned back in the chair again,
Content with just being, free.
She though back to her old life
And thanked the heavens above
For she needed no more than that beach chair to begin thinking again,

This was the life she dreamed of.

Woman

I may never be as beautiful
Never be as thin
As your past
I may never be as memorable
Never be as special
As your first
However
I will always be
The greatness
The honest
And sometimes overly-generous
As I am known to be
I give my heart freely
My body not so much
So many people have so many pieces
I love, as though my heart has no limits
I trust as though it has never been broken before
Well, that may be an exaggeration.

So many times
I have been the one to lie
The one to cheat
Not the one to break down, and cry
My loves never left me
It was the other way around
I loved them, and left them
Turned their world upside down
I never felt remorse
Until it was done to me
The tables were turned
And my mind set free...

I am no longer that woman.
My lies made me honest.
My thefts made me generous
My confidence made me subtle
And my past has made me, me.

You may know me so well.
You may know my days
You may know my nights.
You may have pieces of it,
But you will never know my heart.

I am me. I am young and stupid, wise and beautiful. I am loud and crazy and passionate. I am never-ending. But of all of these, I am me.

And so it begins...

Sleep escapes me again
Like last night, and the night before
The hours click by
1 o'clock, 1 o'clock, 3...
I lurk upstairs, smoke my cancer stick
My poisonous addiction
In hopes to cure the sleeplessness
That I have wrestled with for over a week now
I say goodnight to the one I love
Hoping just once
He'd offer to talk me to sleep
But how could he?
Unaware of how empty I am inside
A shell of my former self
Walking like a shadow
Day in, and day out
I smile, I laugh
I watch blurred images
Scamper across the screen
4 o'clock...
I wake up early
In the hopes of killing the routine
Of staying up so late
My dreams haunt me
Waking me from a happy nap
And leading me into deeper hours of the night
Again.
5 o'clock
I hear the footsteps above
And I know I've done it again
My day will be ruined
For I will sleep through half of it
And mope somberly through the rest
I beg, I pray
As the tears slide down my face
That just this once
I will be tired
My eyes will blink slowly
As my head rests upon the pillow
Into dream land I will go
Only to be awoken
By images I don't want to see
6 o'clock
The sound of her heels clicking
Across the wood floors
Back and forth
Until I am awake, again
Praying to be tired, sleepy, dreary
Is there a hotline?
1-800-bedtimestories?

Someone, anyone,
Talk me to sleep
Tell me of the pleasantries
I'll see in my dreams
Make a princess
In a castle so high
With a dragon for protection
That my prince must fight
Golden, long hair
With a robust, healthy frame
He'll call to my window
So I will let down my mane
He'll climb to the top
Just to rescue me
And hide away in my castle,
Just my prince,
And sleepy, little, me.